Illustration by Lars Leetaru
I recently moved back to Cincinnati after some years in the suburbs. Does the city still send surprise letters to homeowners about repairing sidewalks? It cost me a lot last time. My neighbors aren’t sure if the city still “condemns” sidewalk squares and sends homeowners the bill. Do they? —WALK ON THE SIDE SIDE
DEAR SIDE:
Time was, Cincinnati employed professional crack dealers. They swooped down city streets and marked any sidewalk square that had cracked, tilted upward, or crumbled into gravel. They then mailed notices to homeowners, and if you didn’t hire someone to fix the squares by the deadline, the city did it and added the marked-up bill to your property tax. The joys of owning a home.
Today, professional snitches no longer terrorize neighborhoods. Only a complaint or emergency results in the Concrete Letter of Doom. The bad news: You’re still responsible for the sidewalk squares fronting your property. Many licensed concrete contractors are available, or you can do it yourself if the job is small enough and you follow specific rules (check cincinnati-oh.gov). Or you can re-live seventh grade and put it off until it’s too late, whereupon the repairs will be city-done and city-billed at city prices. None of this is pleasant, but it’s an improvement over the days when every homeowner feared a random fix-it-or-else notice. Welcome back to Cincinnati. Tread lightly.
I like to walk in Columbia-Tusculum. The properties along Columbia Parkway near Stanley Avenue are all well-kept, except for one: a house that sits across from the corner at Strafer Street. It has broken windows, no front steps, and is a wreck. Why such an exception in a nice neighborhood? —THAT OLD HOUSE
DEAR OLD:
The Doctor has previously addressed a run-down structure along an otherwise-upscale street (issue of July 2021). Our readers can be somewhat snooty, it seems. In your case, you look down upon a property that spent decades being, well, looked down upon. It faces the bottom of extremely steep Strafer Steet, and over the years it’s suffered numerous unprovoked assaults from cars and trucks with defective parking brakes. Very, very bad feng shui.
The first recorded attack was in 1943 by a driverless five-ton truck. A mere standard automobile plowed into the hapless structure in 1945, probably causing less damage. First prize, however, goes to the runaway car that decapitated a fire hydrant and hit two moving cars before smashing into a parked vehicle in 1954. Honorable Mention: the resident who smelled gas in the home’s kitchen, looked under the stove with a lit match, and caused an explosion. In the time since you submitted your question, the property has been razed. Sadly, cars and trucks will now need considerably more momentum before hitting anything.
In Paycor Stadium, the Bengals end zone has the famous orange logo. But in the corners behind the end zone, the Bengals logo is red. Some might call it a “deeper orange,” but no, dammit, it’s red. Why the difference? Why don’t they just use the orange that’s on everything else? —HUE DEY
DEAR HUE:
Ah, the colors of autumn! They delight with their vibrance and infinite variety! It’s during this magical time when a young man’s fancy—or woman’s, or someone middle-aged or older—turns to football and not to nitpicking over comparing colors in a bazillion-dollar stadium when our favorite football team is struggling mightily to finally reach the top.
The Doctor, ever the professional, has resolved to treat your inquiry with the same respect he gives every question, regardless of its trivial esoteric nature. He dutifully contacted the operations department at Paycor Stadium, patiently climbing every branch of its phone tree in his quest to find a person who might care know about this issue.
Someone did go into excruciating detail about how RGB color palettes on grass differ from those on plastic or vinyl or wood, so there’s that. The closest we got to actual engagement was a request to send our inquiry by e-mail and await a response. Nothing yet. It’s almost as if the Bengals organization has its hands full with issues that deserve more attention and passion. We’ll get back to you.
Dr. Know is Jay Gilbert, radio personality and advertising prankster. Submit your questions about the city’s peculiarities here.
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