How Cincy Works: The Continuum of Pestiferousness

A scientific ranking of our least-welcome citizens.

From least annoying to most:

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1. Your Neighbor’s Dog
Your own real crisis. Get ear plugs. Do not act upon late-night fantasies.

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2. Squirrels
Despite investments in manpower and research, the NSA has yet to deploy a truly secure bird feeder.

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3. Deer
Beautiful, graceful, elegant—until they do just about anything. Drive carefully.

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4. Raccoons
There’s a reason no cartoon raccoon ever made it big. Nasty, crafty, persistent. Eager to sublet your attic.

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5. Stink Bug
Ugly but harmless. Invades homes when seeking warmth. Lives up to nickname only under duress.

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6. Cicadas
Five billion noisy teenagers who (shock!) show up on time. Crowds bigger than Woodstock. Music is much worse.

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7. Bedbugs
Most prevalent in Ohio. Bites maddening but benign. Liam Neeson–like survival skills. Dreaded by hotel managers.

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8. Asian Long-horned Beetle
An actual crisis, destroying beloved tree species. Ironically, containment requires cutting down more trees.

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9. Emerald Ash Borer
Upscale name belies Biblical-scale damage to trees and wildlife. Too-slow horror-movie plot, but real.

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