How Cincy Works: The Continuum of Pestiferousness

A scientific ranking of our least-welcome citizens.

From least annoying to most:


1. Your Neighbor’s Dog
Your own real crisis. Get ear plugs. Do not act upon late-night fantasies.


2. Squirrels
Despite investments in manpower and research, the NSA has yet to deploy a truly secure bird feeder.


3. Deer
Beautiful, graceful, elegant—until they do just about anything. Drive carefully.


4. Raccoons
There’s a reason no cartoon raccoon ever made it big. Nasty, crafty, persistent. Eager to sublet your attic.


5. Stink Bug
Ugly but harmless. Invades homes when seeking warmth. Lives up to nickname only under duress.


6. Cicadas
Five billion noisy teenagers who (shock!) show up on time. Crowds bigger than Woodstock. Music is much worse.


7. Bedbugs
Most prevalent in Ohio. Bites maddening but benign. Liam Neeson–like survival skills. Dreaded by hotel managers.


8. Asian Long-horned Beetle
An actual crisis, destroying beloved tree species. Ironically, containment requires cutting down more trees.


9. Emerald Ash Borer
Upscale name belies Biblical-scale damage to trees and wildlife. Too-slow horror-movie plot, but real.

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