Illustration by Lars Leetaru
On I-71 South near the Red Bank Road exit, there’s a warning sign with the words “Fender Bender.” I assume it’s there because I’m driving downhill on a curve, but that would mean this sign should be posted in many other places. I’ve never seen it anywhere else. Why is it only there? —SIGN ME UP
Dear Up:
The entire sign reads: Fender Bender—Move vehicle from travel lanes. It is a gentle reminder that should you experience a new and sudden friendship with another driver as a result of your fenders bending/ blending/rending/rear-ending, do not leave your vehicles in the road (unless there has been major damage or a personal injury). Move them to the shoulder. There, you and your new friend can exchange information, tell jokes, ask each other your political opinions, etc.
The Ohio Department of Transportation told the Doctor that you’re mistaken about this sign being strategically placed; its message is for all drivers everywhere, and similar postings do exist along other interstate roadways. But your misreading is not your fault; the sign’s wording is somewhat blurry. The Doctor suggests a change, such as: Fender Bender? Move vehicle to the shoulder. Or perhaps: Just collided? Get out of the way and get over it. Better yet: Now look what you’ve done! Slink over here.
The new WVXU/WGUC building near my Evanston home is beautiful. Right down the street, though, is a tornado siren. How do they keep the noise from leaking onto the air when it blasts every first Wednesday of the month at noon, not to mention in emergencies? —THIS IS MAYBE A TEST
Dear Test:
Anyone who lives or works near one of Hamilton County’s outdoor warning sirens (about 200 of them) will verify that they are loud. This is, of course, a good thing. Unless you happen to be a radio station. Or three radio stations (WVXU, WGUC, and WMUB). Cincinnati Public Radio’s new facility in Evanston has 11 sound-sensitive control rooms and studios, all of which risk auditory invasion when the system emits its blare—only as scheduled, hopefully.
To determine the threat level, the Doctor obtained a recording of WGUC during siren test time, exactly noon on Wednesday, June 4. His report: Underneath the introduction to a Shostakovich piano concerto he heard a faint wail, undeniable but unobtrusive. Both the station and Hamilton County did their jobs admirably. Conclusion: We feel confident that few listeners will ever notice the monthly test.
A bigger problem would be an actual unscheduled emergency. That’s when every cell phone in every pocket in every studio will shriek in unison and shatter every studio window. We now resume our regular programming.
Cincinnatians all think that Procter & Gamble invented the soap opera in the 1930s for selling Ivory Soap. But my grandparents, gone now, always pointed out that Cincinnati’s true soap opera innovator was Kroger! They said that they had even worked on the shows. Is this true? Should you set people straight? —SOB STORY
Dear Sob:
Several layers of Cincinnatians need to be set straight. Procter & Gamble’s reputation runs deep here as creator of the soap opera, but most historians now give credit to—you’d better brace yourself, Madge—Colgate-Palmolive, with a show called Clara, Lu, and Em in 1930. P&G quickly dominated the genre but didn’t start it.
And what of Kroger? By the 1940s, some daytime audiences were tiring of soap operas and drifting toward music shows instead. Kroger’s Cincinnati ad agency saw the trend and created a hybrid: Hearts in Harmony, the musical soap opera. Steve, the poor composer, loved Penny, the singer from a wealthy family. Oh, the heartbreaking class struggles! Oh, the songs in every episode!
Your grandparents probably worked for the ad agency, Ralph H. Jones, because the shows themselves (Kroger sponsored three different ones) were produced in Chicago and New York. As far as we can tell, Hearts in Harmony was as close as any soap opera ever got to performing actual opera. Had Kroger’s shows outperformed P&G’s, we might be calling them Vegetable Operas now.
Dr. Know is Jay Gilbert, radio personality and advertising prankster. Submit your questions about the city’s peculiarities here.
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