Photograph courtesy Meghan Remington
Meghan Remington appeared to be living a charmed life with three adorable boys and a beautiful Victorian home in Wyoming. But her world was unraveling. Married to an undiagnosed narcissist, she was suffering in her home, constantly questioning her own sense of reality and struggling to name what was happening to her.
After the marriage ended, Remington, a licensed counselor, became a divorce coach and a narcissistic abuse specialist. Her new book, Behind Closed Doors (Wren House Press), tells the story of her realization that her husband’s narcissism was at the core of the emotional abuse she experienced. She hopes the book can help others who are also struggling behind closed doors—especially those married to narcissists.
I heard the idea for the book came from one of your friends?
After everything happened, around 2022, a friend encouraged me to turn my story into a book. At the time, that felt like a big mountain I didn’t know I could climb, but other friends of mine were saying the same thing, and so these little seeds were planted.
I realized that my story is something other people either don’t know about or could totally relate to. And so that really was my drive to get my story out there. People can learn about it if they’ve never experienced this type of relationship or, more importantly, see themselves and really feel validated. I wanted to use my story as a platform to have other people read and think, I can see myself in these pages. This is what I’m experiencing, too.
Your book is “memoir adjacent” with lots of storytelling and not a traditional memoir. Why did you structure it that way?
When I was researching narcissism on my own, I got to a point where it felt like I was reading the same book over and over. The typical book would provide an explanation of narcissism followed by characteristics from the diagnostic manual. I understood what it was saying, but I kept thinking, Is this really what’s happening to me? When I would read the examples that went along with that in the book, I would have those a-ha moments, really feel validated and say, Yeah, that is what’s happening to me.
So my goal in writing this book was to flip that structure. I put most of the book in story form. I’m telling my story so everyone can feel validation and see how these situations unfold in real life. Then the end of each chapter goes into what I call “the breakdown,” which provides language to explain what was going on, for example noting when he was gaslighting, when he was isolating, and so on.
Did you think about your own story differently as you wrote the book?
Interestingly, I think I’m looking at my story differently now that the book is out. The covertness of narcissism is, I think, one of the biggest pieces that survivors take away. There’s this element of total self-doubt, of not feeling like your reality is real or that your story is real. And the reactions and the feedback I’m getting from people have helped me continue to understand my own story.
The book is getting a lot of traction, which is amazing. It’s becoming the “traveling book.” Someone will read it, maybe because they know me, and then they recognize a family member or a friend or someone they know in my story, and they share the book with that person. I’m hearing a lot of feedback from people I don’t know, saying, Oh, I see myself in this story, and please help me, I need help, I want to get out.
How are people reaching you?
Through email and through my business. After my divorce, I started Thriving Ahead Divorce Coaching. A lot of people find me through that website. People are contacting me with consultation calls because they recognize themselves in the relationship in the book. So the book is doing exactly what I hoped it would, which is to highlight that this situation is real. The book helps readers understand that what they’re experiencing has a name and is valid and there’s help available to change their situation.
It sounds like your own journey to understanding your situation started around the time of your divorce.
Yes, probably. I knew things obviously weren’t going in a good direction, but it wasn’t until afterwards that I started really pulling out the narcissistic patterns. Even as a mental health therapist by training, I couldn’t see what was happening. It took distance and time to understand. And a lot of that understanding came with me finally sharing stories with others and hearing their reactions. People would say, That’s not OK or My husband does not talk to me that way or do those things, whereas I’d convinced myself that this is what every marriage was like.
The title of the book is Behind Closed Doors because I didn’t tell anyone what was happening while I was in the marriage. Letting some of those things out helped me see that I needed to research what is really going on. And once I saw it, it was as clear as day. But it was not clear as day when I was in the marriage.
Speaking of the title, Behind Closed Doors, I wanted to ask about the cover’s beautiful artistic renderings of closed doors. Can you talk more about the concept?
There is kind of a secret Easter egg behind the book cover, which features nine doors, each representing one of the places we lived. Moving was one of the themes that appeared throughout the book, and it goes along with narcissism as well. Narcissists leave when things get tough. So every time he quit his job, we would move. Those nine doors start with my first apartment where I met him, and the last door ends with the house I’m in right now.
I imagine the kind of coaching you do with women is delicate. I read a book a couple of years ago about abuse called No Visible Bruises. I was struck by some of the facts in that book, like how many times women typically try to leave a marriage before they’re able to leave.
Yes, about seven.
That fact speaks to someone’s fragile reality of trying to prepare themselves to make a change.
Coaching, unlike counseling, is action-oriented and time-sensitive. So when I’m meeting with someone, we’re focused on the present. We’re not going back and focusing on the past and how we got here, which is a great place for therapy to be. But coaching needs to focus on the present.
When you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse, you lose your voice, because you’re constantly told you’re wrong or that your opinions don’t matter. You learn to walk on eggshells around your partner. And the actions needed to leave are the opposite. You’re suddenly expected to be able to use your voice and stand up for yourself and tell them how you’re feeling and what you want, and that can be so scary. It often gets to the point where it’s just a big roadblock and clients can’t see the path forward. So a lot of my work is writing scripts with clients to speak about their reality and set boundaries.
So we work “in the moment,” whereas therapy often works from the past. Most of my clients have both, because a team gives clients a lot of strength. You can have a therapist, a divorce coach, and an attorney, all of whom are going to help you because you feel like you’re being told by your partner that you can’t do it.
What’s your overall mission with the book?
I wanted to inspire at least one person reading the book to reach out for help and say, I see myself, and this is what I need to help me get out from under this situation. And the fact that it’s happening and gaining traction is more than I could ask for. So I just want people to know that getting this book in the hands of anyone who needs it can help them get out of a toxic situation.
