Illustration by Lars Leetaru
I drive past the Walnut Hills Post Office every day, and there’s been an old Cadillac Deville parked in front for almost a year. I’m an aficionado (pretty sure it’s a 1972) and wonder if somebody owns it or it’s abandoned. I don’t have the time to stop and inspect it, but I hope you do. —DUDE, WHAT’S MY CAR
DEAR DUDE:
The Doctor is not insulted by your presumption; his very purpose is for investigating such profound local mysteries. His first strategy was to visit the Walnut Hills Post Office and ask if the Cadillac outside belonged to an employee; it did not. The car clearly is not used for commuting, because our last winter snowstorm had recently fallen and the vehicle was untouched. A later browse through Google Street View showed that it’s been parked there since at least July 2024.
It is a 1972 Cadillac four-door Sedan Deville, colored deep-brass and sporting an emblem from Thomson-MacConnell Cadillac (now Cincinnati Cadillac, the dealership is nearby). Curiously, however, its Ohio license plate will have expired by press time. More curiously, it’s tagged as Montgomery County (Dayton), and an online search of the license number says we’re looking at a 2010 Mercedes. If you feel brave, start thinking about booking a tow truck.
There’s a little sign I see on some buildings. Maybe it’s for the building’s WiFi, because there’s a red drawing of a tower with emanating waves. But it also has the letters ERRS. Does that mean the WiFi makes errors? I see this sign on some public buildings, but not others. What is it? —TO ERRS IS HUMAN
DEAR HUMAN:
What? You mean you don’t know that a building’s ERRS needs a proper BDA for its DAS that’s FCC-GROL certified and meets UL-2524 1st Edition requirements? Where have you been?
The Doctor kids. He also admits to having no clue what the previous paragraph means. But he knows this much: During a fire or other emergency, first responders depend on the Emergency Radio Response System (ERRS) to communicate when they’re inside large public and multi-story buildings. Transmitters send signals top to bottom (not exactly WiFi) to make sure that all firefighters and rescue crews—no matter where they are inside while risking their lives—can tune in their favorite classic rock station.
The Doctor kids. A positive result of 9/11 was the development of these systems; all new construction in recent years has required ERRS. Older buildings that have installed a retrofitted system post the sign to let responders know it’s available. They’ll rescue you faster if they’re able to hear their favorite Aerosmith song. The Doctor kids?
Mosteller Road in Sharonville is mostly a bunch of warehouses and industrial businesses. Next to the UDF at Crescentville Road there’s a stately but shabby old mansion. It’s had an “Available” sign outside ever since I’ve worked in the area. I’m sure it’s got a story, and I’ll bet you already know it. —MANSION OF GORY
DEAR GORY:
You are a Sharonville “newbie,” according to the Doctor’s youth phrasebook, and have some catching up to do. You’re also probably a newbie to this magazine, because long-time subscribers have seen numerous articles and pictorials about this once-glorious mansion that’s been through times of magnificence, decay, near-death, and rebirth.
Today’s industrial mass in Sharonville was once dozens of acres of farmland growing the ingredients for one of Cincinnati’s many beer baron families: the Haucks. They added the mansion on the corner in 1904 as a summer escape from downtown’s famous squalor and stench. A century later, the estate had shrunk to less than four acres and the mansion was vacant. The wrecking ball loomed in 2008, but investors brought back the home’s glory and turned it into a place for events and/or offices.
Success ran hot and cold in recent years. Since 2020, UDF has owned not only the adjacent store on the corner but the mansion itself. If you want a shorter commute to work, make an offer and maybe you’ll get a free ice cream cone.
Dr. Know is Jay Gilbert, radio personality and advertising prankster. Submit your questions about the city’s peculiarities here.
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