ILLUSTRATION BY LARS LEETARU
My neighbor’s friends park in front of my house in College Hill. I wouldn’t mind, but they half-park up on the sidewalk, muddying the grass on the little devil’s strip. I complain, but my neighbor says too bad, that’s city property. Is she right? Who’s responsible for that little grassy area? —SHOVE THY NEIGHBOR
DEAR SHOVE:
Whatever hostilities rage between you and your neighbor, they don’t compare to the firestorm you have created at our offices. You called that little grass rectangle between the curb and the sidewalk the “devil’s strip.” One faction here never heard this expression and never wants to hear it again. That area, they insist, is a “tree lawn” or a “dog walking area,” thank you very much. The staffers who barricade themselves behind “devil’s strip” declare it to be universal. They come from northern Ohio and Michigan, which is where dialect experts place the term’s origins.
The Doctor, however, stays diligently focused on your question: Whatever you wish to call the accursed grassy thing, it is definitely the city of Cincinnati’s property. So is the sidewalk itself, but homeowners sadly know that they are still responsible for all maintenance. You could, perhaps, remind your neighbor that it is technically illegal to park a car there at all. She would probably invite you to call the cops and see how that goes. Stay in touch.
My dad helps me with my income taxes. He says that back when all tax returns were sent by mail, the Dalton Street post office stayed open until midnight every April 15, and it was a big party. Long lines of cars, free food, bands playing, etc. How crazy did it get, and when did it end? —SLAPHAPPY RETURNS
DEAR SLAPHAPPY:
The Doctor salutes you and your father for working on your taxes now, unlike certain deadbeat Doctors. In Days of Yore, last-minute crowds gathered at the downtown IRS office on March 15, the tax deadline until 1955. The extra month provided that year reduced the number of stragglers by a whopping zero percent.
Several area post offices staffed up for the annual ’til-midnight deluge, but by the 1990s the Dalton Street facility near Union Terminal had become Procrastination Party Headquarters. Cars backed up onto I-75, with vendors handing out free pizza, sandwiches, bagels, Excedrin, etc. Various bands performed. Tax protesters protested. IRS employees volunteered for dunking booths. Radio stations, which shall not be named, broadcast ridiculous stunts.
After online tax filing surpassed 50 percent in 2005, the crowds dwindled. By 2010, Dalton Street was closing at 8 p.m. CVG became the last resort, and only until 11. Now when you file, your computer never hands out free pizza, nor does it play a Dixieland version of “Taxman.”
Cincinnatians used to send our tax returns every April to the big IRS complex in Covington. Now that it’s gone, I notice my payment voucher says “Cincinnati, OH 45280.” Where is that? If for some reason I had to drop off my 1040 at the last minute, where is ZIP Code 45280? —GOING POSTAL
DEAR POSTAL:
Our readers are obviously in tax season, and the Doctor is here to help. To reach ZIP Code 45280, just take Riverside Drive from downtown to Bains Street, park your car, jump into the Ohio River, swim about 100 feet out, and there you are—this is precisely where UnitedStatesZipCodes.org places 45280. You may prefer instead to follow MapQuest’s directions to Eighth and Vine streets. Other websites confidently informed the Doctor that 45280 is in Norwood. Or Spain. One site says it’s in Turkey.
The truth: 45280 is the “IRS Cage” (that’s what they call it) at the aforementioned Dalton Street post office in a totally separate and super-secure location. Maybe. Might be in Roswell or Gitmo. Nobody from USPS felt like giving the Doctor specifics. But for decades, your snail-mailed 1040s have almost always landed first at a post office and not at the Covington IRS. In earlier years, your form said 45298 or 45999, just to throw you off the scent. The new 45280 debuted in 2010, and for some reason it collected returns from 13 states but not from Ohio; we were bumped to Missouri.
Regardless, on April 15 do not bring your tax return to Dalton Street after dark! You could be sharing an empty parking lot with a sadly misinformed Dixieland band.
Submit your questions about the city’s peculiarities here.
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