Illustration by Lars Leetaru
My apartment in Hyde Park is across from Madison Park, a modest triangle of greenery. My neighbor says her grandfather used to talk about fishing in the lake at Madison Park as a kid, but we both agree that there can’t possibly have been a lake at that little corner. Was the park bigger at one time? —FISH STORY
DEAR FISH:
Yes, Madison Park was many, many times larger than the humble patch of grass and trees across from your apartment. That’s because your neighbor’s grandfather spent his childhood fishing at a completely different Madison Park in a completely different place that’s been completely obliterated and completely forgotten. His Madison Park was between Oakley and Fairfax, stretching roughly from today’s MadTree Brewing Taproom over to the Walmart on Red Bank Expressway. It existed from about 1910 to 1928, with 30 lush acres and a large lake where many people fished, boated, and swam—and a few drowned.
The people of Cincinnati somehow managed for decades to live with two Madison Parks: the small one near you and the large one further east. Yours, however, has emerged triumphant. It survives, while the other one got filled in and covered with subdivisions. Dozens of homeowners over there have no idea that they live atop a watery ghost. Feel free to start rumors about the Loch Oakley Monster.
Old office buildings used to have mail chutes on the wall at each floor’s elevators. Letters went into a slot and were collected at the bottom. The chutes are mostly sealed off now, but I saw that the Mercantile Library’s is open. Does mail still get picked up at the bottom? I’d be surprised. —PLEASE MR. POSTMAN
DEAR PLEASE:
The Mercantile Library enthusiastically (and slightly embarrassedly) thanks you for your inquiry. In 1997, U.S. mail chutes were designated as fire hazards and banned in new construction. Some old buildings do still use them, but most have voluntarily sealed them off. The building on Walnut Street housing Cincinnati’s beloved Mercantile Library at the top stopped using their chutes long ago, but someone apparently did not seal the one you noticed on the 12th floor (plus two others they found elsewhere). These have now been addressed, thanks to you.
The Doctor suggests we cut these folks a break. When you have a 10,000-year lease and have been occupying the top floors of your building for more than 120 years, you’re entitled to a senior moment.
The only questions remaining now are obvious ones: How much mail has been mistakenly dropped in the slot? And what became of it? The Doctor has been assured that this topic is under investigation and the librarians will get back to us sometime in the next 10,000 years.
Now that Marty Brennaman no longer does play-by-play for the Reds, I enjoy hearing his voice at the airport. I don’t really need luggage advice, but hearing him at CVG is a comfort. Is this Marty’s post-retirement job now? Does he go back occasionally to record updates? —THAT’S A LONG FLY
DEAR FLY:
Ears are funny things. Especially yours. They enjoyed Marty Brennaman calling Reds games, but only after Marty retired did they seem to notice him in the ceiling at CVG. He’s been up there for years. Try some Q-Tips.
Marty himself couldn’t quite remember when he recorded those travel reminders. “I would say probably 12 years ago,” he told the Doctor. “I’m kind of proud of the fact they came to me and asked me to do it.” Joe Zerhusen, however, has the receipts. He’s been the voice at Great American Ball Park since its first Opening Day in 2003, and he also runs recording sessions in the stadium’s broadcast booth. His records show that Marty recorded for CVG in February 2012.
Marty did some updates during the COVID-19 era, such as “After stealing someone’s luggage, don’t touch your face!” Just kidding. But most of his advice is eternal. Common-sense pointers like “Don’t accept luggage from strangers,” “Don’t leave your luggage unattended,” and “Please do not use the Baggage Claim carousel as a kiddie ride; this is not Kings Island” will always be wise counsel.
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