The Bengals closed out the fake games in impressive fashion, thumping the Indianapolis Colts by a score of 35-7 in a tape-delay-telecast matchup of anonymous, backup players. Sources would neither confirm nor deny that by the fourth quarter, the Bengals were pulling non-inebriated fans out of the stands and throwing them in at linebacker, just to see what they could do.
1. Roger Goddell
The only Bengals starter that fans got to see play a down last night was rookie center Russell Bodine. And in order to take in Bodine and his consistently high snaps in real time, you had to be one of the alleged 42,000 fans in attendance, because those watching at home couldn’t see the game until 11:35 pm (which, to be fair, gave a good excuse to stay up for a few extra late-night Seinfeld re-runs). And yet, Goddell and the NFL still get to charge full price for what was essentially a JV scrimmage. At least the commish finally realized that domestic violence is bad.
2. Margus Hunt
The oversized Estonian tallied three sacks, three QB hits, and another tackle-for-loss against a pathetic bunch of American pansies with horseshoes on their heads. I remember when being from this country meant something, dammit!
3. Jeremy Hill
The backup running back (and man likely to send BenJarvus Green-Ellis to unemployment) got work last night, putting up 160 total yards of offense on 26 touches. He also celebrated a preseason touchdown (that was eventually called back) by miming taking a “selfie” in the endzone…in case you were wondering why he isn’t higher on this list.
4. Dane Sanzenbacher
He already secured the crown as the team’s token white receiver when the Bengals cut Ryan Whalen earlier this week, but he clearly isn’t letting it go to his head.
Again, aside from Russell Bodine—who’s quickly establishing himself as this team’s version of Mario Chalmers—not a single one of them had to take a snap last night. The worst part was that most of them still had to wear their pads the whole game.