Top 5 Ways To Stay Single

Rajiv Satyal is a Cincinnati-kid-turned-big-time-L.A.-comedian who is also 38 and single. He’s bringing his one-man, modern dating comedy routine to the Aronoff Center for the Arts Saturday and gave us a preview of his five surefire ways to ensure longtime loneliness.

1. Be Indian
“I grew up in here in the ’80s and one of the first stories I talk about in the show is how I had a crush on this girl Jane. And it wasn’t that Jane was a racist, not at all. I was just not what hot meant. I was not that word, and that’s exactly what she was looking for.”

2. Be cheap
“I take this girl to dinner, but I don’t want to valet because, you know, parking is cheaper. I was like ‘no, let’s just walk’ and in the middle of dinner I have to go feed the meter. Whatever you do, don’t spend money.”

3. Quit your job and become a comedian
“Girls are all of a sudden like ‘I like how you have this job at Procter & Gamble in brand management.’ Yeah, not anymore. That’s a good way to stay single—pursue your passion.”

4. Be short
“I have definitely found this to be a good way. I’m five-foot-seven and I don’t weigh a lot either. You know, your first move can’t be tapping a girl on the shoulder and waving up at her.”

5. Be bald
“My parents really want to get me married, but it gets tough when you start losing your hair. They treat me like food that’s about to spoil at Trader Joe’s. Balding is men’s biological clock. People don’t think of us as having one of those, but we do. When you start loosing your hair, you start losing some of your market value.”

No Man’s Land, Saturday, April 19, 8 pm. Tickets and more information at Aronoff Center, 650 Walnut St., downtown.

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