Arraign Man

The area’s most dangerous menace faces justice. Joe Deters justice.

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in our February 2010 issue.

Prosecutor Joe Deters: I have a brief statement then I’ll take a few questions. For the past nine years, Hamilton County residents have lived in fear far exceeding the fear they normally live in. And with good reason. In the year 2000, Son of Beast, an unstable, violent, wildly undulating young troublemaker, arrived in Warren County, Ohio, and began luring unsuspecting tourists to his lair outside Kings Mills. Once there, he’d restrain his victims with a steel bar in cramped “maiming modules,” or gondolas. Helpless and immobilized, his captives would be systematically terrorized, tossed, battered, buffeted, and otherwise abused, often experiencing serious trauma. Many required hospitalization. Others suffered injuries like permanently bugged eyes, post-traumatic shriek disorder, and shaken teen babe syndrome.

Today, however, Mr. of Beast’s reign of terror has ended. Earlier this morning, with the help of local authorities, he was arrested at his Kings Island compound. This office is vigorously seeking his extradition to Hamilton County, where he’ll be charged with 48 counts of assault, 37 counts of battery, and 12,473 counts of nauseation of a minor.

What’s particularly disturbing to me about this case is that so many young people see this sick, twisty menace to society as “awesome” and exciting, a source of thrills. I’m here to tell you he’s not. Mr. of Beast is an incorrigible, dangerous, unfeeling monster. An offender who, despite being just 9-and-a-half years old and inanimate, I fully intend to try as an adult sentient being.

OK, questions…?

Reporter 1: Where’s Son of Beast currently being held?

Deters: Due to jail overcrowding and the suspect’s tremendous size, our only immediate option was to place him under house—well, amusement park arrest and fit him with a truss monitor. But once he’s extradited, we plan to disassemble Mr. of Beast and reassemble him in the form of a prison, thereby rendering him self-incarcerated.

Reporter 2: What are the chances of a plea deal?

Deters: Slim to none. Remember, this is the same Son of Beast who, in 2006, to mitigate public outrage over his well-publicized ugly behavior, submitted to forced structural castration, undergoing a loop-de-loop-ectomy. That obviously didn’t work. I say he should rot in jail—though, he has been pressure-treated with a preservative so that may prove difficult.

Reporter 3: How does a 9-year-old turn out like this?

Deters: Environment, probably. Daily exposure to a father who makes excessive use of G-forces seem normal and peers who think assault with a deadly long queue is funny. But regardless, Son of Beast has to pay. And I’m not accepting discount coupons.

That’s all, people. I’ve gotta go depose SpongeBob SquarePants now.

Facebook Comments