Illustration by Lars Leetaru
There’s a strange house on Empress Avenue in Columbia-Tusculum. The garage has no driveway in front of it—just grass, with no tire tracks. There are steps at the front door, but no path to them. There’s no paving anywhere. It’s completely surrounded by grass. Has anyone ever lived there? —TURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
Dear Turning:
No, no one has ever lived there. The home at 530 Empress Ave. is in fine shape and well-maintained, but like a kid riding in the back seat it keeps asking, “Are we there yet?” Despite having been built in 2006, it is still waiting to be finished. This was supposed to have been the first of four luxury homes, but construction on the steep hillside caused issues that needed further work. The 2009 economic crisis halted everything for a few years. Then just as the gears started turning again, we welcomed COVID-19. On top of all that, the Metropolitan Sewer District—it’s always wonderful hearing from them, isn’t it?—announced a stormwater management project that would run directly underneath the garage’s driveway (which did exist until then).
Despite everything, the property’s current owner is determined to get it all completed, upgraded, and on the market within the next few months. Should you make a bid, be sure to mention the Doctor; he is not above accepting a finder’s fee.
You recently wrote about the Beach Boys playing “Susie Cincinnati” at a 1976 concert, saying that the song describes a fun cab ride they had here in 1971. But I own that single, and I bought it in 1970. The cab ride can’t possibly have happened in 1971. Is the story misdated or just untrue? —I GOT AROUND
Dear Got:
The Doctor thanks you for exposing this scandalous historical error. In our defense, we must point out that it comes from the Beach Boys themselves. “Susie Cincinnati” does tell the true tale of a delightful cab ride the Boys enjoyed while visiting here for a concert, but they have always claimed it was prior to the Taft Theatre show of September 29, 1971. That’s obviously wrong, so what’s right?
Singer Al Jardine’s offhand comment that their cab ride was on “a rainy night” sprung the Doctor into research mode. He found Cincinnati weather data from September 1971, and it shows no rain that night. It did pour on April 22, 1967, the night before a Beach Boys concert at Cincinnati Gardens. There’s your cab ride! The resulting single was released in 1970, 1974, and 1976, selling poorly each time. It got big cheers, though, when the Beach Boys brought “Susie” herself onstage at Riverfront Coliseum in 1976. Wouldn’t it be nice if those good vibrations had given excitations to record sales?
On Columbia Parkway just before downtown, there’s a small turnaround. My father remembers his grandmother saying that the spot, with an old stone wall surrounding it, was the leftover foundation of her old church. I can’t find any information about that. Was she imagining things? —MASS DELUSION
Dear Delusion:
Thanks to your great-grandmother, plus a terrible sign painter from the 1930s, a tiny lost piece of Cincinnati history has been found. The turnaround on Columbia Parkway’s approach into downtown is almost certainly where All Saints Catholic Church once stood. Built in 1860, it was demolished in 1937 along with several blocks of East Third Street to make way for the new Parkway. But how can we be sure today’s turnaround is exactly where the church had been?
The Doctor found an old photo showing the church standing a few yards from a store with a very badly-painted “Groceries” sign above its entrance. This helps to orient us in a 1938 photo showing the same grocery store, now next to an empty hillside. And in the photo, Columbia Parkway’s new retaining wall ends precisely at that hillside, just as it does today. Therefore, the turnaround sits where the church stood. Your great-grandmother was right…almost. The stone wall is not from the foundation; it was built the year after the church came down. Cincinnati traded eternal salvation for eternal landslides.
Dr. Know is Jay Gilbert, radio personality and advertising prankster. Submit your questions about the city’s peculiarities here.
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