Bringing Cincy Back

 

What with Jessica Biel right this moment shooting the film The Blunderer in our town, we got to thinking about her husband, Justin Timberlake, and the likelihood of Curly coming to town to keep her company. (We know he’s on tour, but even a driven showman like Timberlake knows when to take a break.) Instead of offering the usual Places You Can See the Stars in Town, we thought it would be fun to direct this instead to Mr. Biel: we’ve curated the Cincinnati that (we think) speaks to you. We hope to see you here.

Western Bowl: You don’t want to go to all the obvious places, retrace Cate Blanchett’s steps when she was in town filming Carol, do you? So we suggest getting over to the West Side’s bowling emporium. It’s a fact that Timberlake was just last summer spotted throwing down at an alley Boston with his former NSYNC bandmate Chris Kirkpatrick. So why not call up Nick and Drew Lachey and make a foursome that they’ll be talking about on the Westside forever. With something like 70 lanes, at Western Bowl it will be easy for your bodyguard to keep away fans who want to quote you lines from “Dick in a Box.”

The Federal Reserve Building on Fourth Street: Because “A million dollars isn’t cool—you know what’s cool? A billion dollars.”

House of Adam: No need to worry about a wardrobe malfunction when you step through these doors. Here is the source material for half the wardrobes Timberlake has worn out over the years. Given Cincinnati is knee-deep in another brutal winter, Justin may want to pick out a tight V-neck sweater, like the one he wore in last year’s Inside Llewyn Davis. They have one in chartreuse that’s the bomb.

Graeter’s: Justin’s 2007 “Till the End of Time” sampled Prince’s “Raspberry Beret.” Now he can sample Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip.

The King Penguin walk, Cincinnati Zoo: You know the dude looks presentable in a formal wear (“Tom Ford tuxedos for no reason” Jay Z enthused on JT’s “Suit and Tie”). So let’s see how he stacks up in a line full of tuxedo wearers who eat krill and can stand for 18 days with an egg balanced on the tops of their feet.

Facebook Comments