OK. Look, this is going to be awkward. But surely I can’t be the only one to notice that the Washington team name is a little, um, well, racist? How are Washington allowed to call their team the “Redskins” (complete with cartoon, um, “Redskin”)?
My opening paragraph was supposed to be a riff on this theme, generally making fun of our opposition, whilst enjoying the fact that in one of my fantasy league every team has to be named after a musician and this week my A.J. Green Days were playing the Notorious RG3s. This all got ruined when our rookie receiver, Muhamed Sanu, threw a 78 yard touchdown pass to A.J. Green with our first snap of the game. So improbably was this, so beautiful the pass, so perfect the play, that until half time, nobody I was with realized that it was Sanu and not, in fact, our professional ball-thrower Andy Dalton, who had made the play. The defense shut out the, um, Washington team, and with our next passing play Andy Dalton threw the ball to the Skins’ defensive end in the end zone, in arguably the worst play anyone at all will make this year. Thus, we went from the sublime to the ridiculous in back to back plays, kind of like when Halle Berry won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball and then immediately made Catwoman.
Spectacularly, five different Bengals receivers scored TDs, though admittedly one of them, Sanu (who, of course, now has a perfect career passing rating in the NFL) was on the unusual end. Despite this, we couldn’t make it easy. Oh no, twice we built up two score leads and yet, as per usual, we found ourselves fending off a Hail Mary to hold on for the win. It wasn’t entirely the defense’s fault, these new fangled ex-lingerie league referees allowed the Redskins erroneous time outs (these, of course, were not as important as the ones allowed in games involving a Harbaugh) and, as is customary these days, the game ended in spectacular pandemonium.
All that mattered in the end was that the Bengals ran out of the chaos winners, and joint top of the division right now (ok, it’s only three games, but let’s live a little!) with a superior record to the Steelers, Saints, Packers, Patriots and Lions.
Final Score: Bengals 38 Um…Native Americans? 31
Man Of The Match: Ok. Look Andy Dalton was pretty breath-taking. AJ Green was staggering. Baby Hawk and Sanu, Binns even, basically our whole receiving cadre were pretty fantastic. But with a ludicrous three sacks, seven tackles, a tipped pass and constant pressure on the fastest QB in the NFL, Michael Johnson takes the plaudits.