It is only by pushing ourselves to the very limit that we can come to redefine the impossible. Thus we implore you to look upon these feats of gastrointestinal greatness and ask yourself: Do I have the guts?
1. Blue Ash Chili: No Freakin’ Way Challenge
This giant-sized take on a Cincinnati classic is a double-whammy of quantity and spice. Even if you have the stomach space, can you handle the heat?
The Task: Eight pounds of food. That’s two-and-a-half pounds spaghetti, two-and-a-half pounds chili, two pounds shredded cheese, and one pound jalapeno caps. You’ve got 60 minutes to eat it all.
The Aftermath: Finish in time, you get your meal free, a T-shirt, and a place on Blue Ash Chili’s Wall of Fame. If you don’t, you buy all eight pounds. $39.99, Blue Ash Chili, 9565 Kenwood Rd., Blue Ash, (513) 984-6107, blueashchili.com
2. Willie’s Sports Cafe, Western Hills: Challenge Burger
Willie’s requires you to sign a waiver prior to taking on this challenge. We think that speaks for itself.
The Task: Three one-pound burger patties, 12 slices of bacon, and eight slices of cheese, layered with grilled cheese sandwiches and covered in tartar sauce. Plus fries. Can’t forget the fries. It all must be completed in under an hour.
The Aftermath: Success means you leave with a T-Shirt, your picture on the wall, and your pockets as full as your stomach. Failure? Failure can take so many forms. $34.99, Willie’s Sports Cafe, 3680 Glenway Ave., Western Hills, (513) 922-3377, willieswesternhills.com
3. Howie’s Diner: Big Biscuit and Gravy
This Lawrenceberg diner—10 minutes from Perfect North Slopes—is a bit of a drive from the city, but isn’t glory worth a li’l road trip? Oh, and for the sake of any potential witnesses, please don’t go skiing afterwards.
The Task: This giant biscuit weights in at around five pounds, and has to be eaten in under an hour, along with a generous serving of sausage gravy (obviously).
The Aftermath: Free food, T-shirt, and certificate for those who destroy that biscuit. The defeated pay for their meal and go home in shame. $19.99, Howie’s Diner, 1049 Eads Parkway East, Lawrenceberg, IN, (812) 537-0313, howiesdiner.com
4. Giuseppe’s Pizzeria: The Legend of the Drunken Fireman
You, too could be a legend. It might be “The Legend of the Regretful Diner,” but that’s still a legend.
The Task: 20 inches, 20 toppings, seven pounds, in 59 minutes.
The Aftermath: If you make it, you don’t have to pay for a 20-inch, 20-topping, seven-pound pizza. You also get a free T-shirt. For this food challenge, losing is a particularly costly mistake. $50, Giuseppe’s Pizzeria, 2607 Madison Ave., Covington, (859) 814-8444, eatattheg.com
5. Padrino Italian: The Spaghetti and Meatball Challenge
Everyone knows and loves spaghetti and meatballs. Not everyone is ready for this particular rendition.
The Task: Two pounds of spaghetti, one pound of meatballs, and one pound of marinara sauce with garlic knots. There’s less time for this one: you only have 45 minutes to eat all four pounds.
The Aftermath: Your picture will go up on the wall with other spaghetti champions if you make it. You’ll also leave with a T-shirt and all the spaghetti money you came in with. If you leave any noodles behind, you’ll go home with less cash and more pointless stomach pain. $30, Padrino Italian, 111 Main St., Milford, (513) 965-0100, 20brix.com/padrino