It seems like Cincinnatians’ affinity for categorizing all things by geographic association (Oh, you went to that high school?) will never get old. So here’s the lay of the somewhat centrally-divided land: the places to go, the people to see, the customs, traditions, and tribal rites to be aware of when you cross the line. Don’t worry: Your side is still totally the best side.
1. It’s summer. It’s hot. You need ice cream.
Zip Dip, Green Township vs. Graeter’s, Hyde Park Square
2. 4th of July Fireworks Show
Kuliga Park, Bridgetown vs. Ault Park, Mt. Lookout
3. Brew with a View
Incline Public House, Price Hill vs. City View Tavern, Mt. Adams
4. Socialize First, Work Out Second
Western Hills Sports Mall (Beer and wine coolers!) or River’s Edge Indoor Sports, Cleves (Beer!) vs. Cincinnati Sports Club on Red Bank Road (Beer and wine! Discount wine-buying program!)
5. Impress a First Date Here
Primavista, Price Hill vs. The Precinct, Columbia-Tusculum
6. Friday Night Lights Pre-Game Ritual
Tailgating at Elder vs. Lamenting the lack of east-side tailgate culture
7. Required Church Festival for Political Campaigners
Sacred Heart Ravioli Dinner, Camp Washington vs. St. Mary’s Funfest, Hyde Park
8. It’s 5 p.m. on Valentine’s Day, dude. Do not go home without picking up a gold box of candy from…
Esther Price vs. Aglamesis Bros.
9. Primo Wedding Photo Backdrop
Mt. Echo vs. Eden Park
10. Fast Mass
St. Lawrence, Warsaw Avenue, Price Hill vs. St. Rose of Lima, Riverside Drive, East End
11. Classic After-Church Brunch Spot
Price Hill Chili vs. Sugar n’ Spice, Paddock Hills
12. It’s Saturday and Dad’s In Charge of Lunch
Larosa’s in White Oak or Price Hill Chili vs. Skyline in Oakley
13. Power Breakfast Spot
You guessed it: Price Hill Chili vs. First Watch, Hyde Park (Tea Partiers report to First Watch, Anderson)
14. Good News! We’re getting a…
Dewey’s Pizza, Harrison Avenue, Green Township vs. Michell Gold + Bob Williams, The Kenwood Collection
15. Curse Ye Shopping Gods!
The ***damn lack of an upscale retail shopping center vs. The ***damn gridlock at Rookwood shopping center.
16. Half-Time Beer-Run on Game Day
Duebber’s Carry Out (Delhi) or Trotta’s (Westwood) vs. Dutch’s or City Beverage, both in Hyde Park
17. My Country Club is Better Than Your Country Club
Western Hills CC vs. Cold Stream CC
18. Eclectic Charity Fund-Raiser/Bacchanalia
Delhi Skirt Game; Harvest Home Fair, Cheviot vs. Hyde Park Blast
19. Aspirational Addresses (A.K.A. We Finally Got A Piece of the Pie-Eye-Eye)
Indian Hill, Watch Hill, Grandin Road, Mt. Adams vs. Indian Hill, Watch Hill, Grandin Road, Mt. Adams
20. Embarrassing Political Reality
Steve Chabot’s comb-over vs. Bill Cunningham’s mouth