The Bengals announced Monday that the team re-signed linebacker Rey Maualuga to a two-year deal, despite the fact that Maualuga has been tackling-intolerant for the past couple seasons. The deal pays him $6.5 million over the length of the contract (plus bonuses), which is somewhere in the range of $6.5 million too much. Below is a list of more productive things the organization could have done with that money.
- Donate the money to a charity.
- Donate the money to Bill Gates.
- Give Hamilton County a tax break by putting it toward the team’s stadium deal.
- Throw it all on Black 17 at the roulette tables of the new Horseshoe Casino.
- Bequeath it to Pro Football Focus to fund improvements for what Marvin Lewis considers to be “some dumbass website that doesn’t have any idea of what football is.” (Shots fired!!!)
- Wire it to those Nigerian princes that are always hitting Mike Brown up for cash via email.
- Help pay off my student loans. (This one isn’t a joke.)
- Fund some ridiculous Kickstarter campaign. (Give your face a hug!)
- Buy a ridiculous amount of the new Mountain Dew Kickstart—the orange flavor isn’t bad.
- Go all Breaking Bad and pull a Heisenberg with the stacks (while screaming “I AM THE DANGER! I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!!!).
- Make sure Girl Meets World, the reboot of Boy Meets World, gets past the pilot stage and is picked up for a full season. And that it doesn’t suck. We all need Topanga back in our lives.
- Treat. Yo. Self.
- Or, ya know, spend the cash elsewhere in free agency.
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